Gym Rant

Okay, here's my gym advice, courtesy of the fine folks who inhabit my local gym in the early mornings:

1. The best lower body exercise is one I like to call the "Leg Press Shiver." You have to load several plates onto the leg press, then lower and raise the weight no more than 4-6 inches using your legs. This has the benefit of not only using none of your own body to stabilize any weight, but your self-esteem will rise because you're "lifting" such a large amount of weight.

2. There are only 2 real muscle groups. Biceps and Calves. If you aren't doing 3 supersetted calf exercises, you'll never be truly strong or athletic.

3. While exercising biceps, make sure to get the weight of your beer gut into the exercise by swinging it to and fro with each repetition. You have to justify that things somehow. Don't worry, everybody's attention is drawn away from it by your massive calves.

4. Please utilize any and all of the gym equipment in your pursuit of massive guns. It is appropriate to use the safety squat rack for bicep curls, especially if you refuse to rack your weights when you're finished. That will teach all those losers with the tiny calves who like to jeopardize their knees by actually doing squats.

I appreciate each and every one of your full compliance with these principles. Only if we all adhere to these fundamental tenets of gym usage and citizenship can we truly maximize the workout experience for ourselves and those around us.